Piano: Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They're usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists ave a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to a piano player during a break, he will condescend.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.    As soon as he could manage,  he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon  
next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week.'  

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;  an impressive  work of art.

Dear Wife: 

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. 
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or

I am so incredibly sad to report the passing of the most gifted Kenny Rankin. He was diagnosed with lung cancer three weeks ago and just passed away. I had the great joy of recording numerous times with him and we just played a few months ago in Los Angeles at an evening at the Mark Taper Forum celebrating singer/songwriters. This is truly a great loss to the music community and my heart goes out to his family and to all the musicians who his gift touched. RIP my dear friend. lee

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded anddirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . How are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.
"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome ?"

1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus simply broke into song: "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are..."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

In the 1400's a law was set forth in  England  that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. 
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. 
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 
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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a
social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese ?
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Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language, and Violence on my VCR?